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Pissed. Oh why are some people just plain inconsiderate?

This is enough proof why i should not trust people all too much. Once you don’t know them for a long period of time and you start sharing things to them, you’re bound to regret that act someday. I wish I had never shared anything to that person? GOD. Kill me.

Is this some curse? I must have been cruel in my past life to deserve so much pain in my present life. Sigh.. and so my life continues.

Usually takes me a long time to blog. I like taking my time when I blog. But now, since I have absolutely nothing to do as i wait for the clock to strike 2, I’ll take my chances at blogging and hoping that the entry makes some sense.

So here’s what happened so far today:

STRIKE ONE
     I have to admit I thought that I overslept yesterday. I got 6 hours of sleep and had breakfast as I got up, took a bath after and went back to bed again for an hour or so. I also slept in the bus on our way back home from Caliraya, Laguna (3 hour trip). So that’s roughly 10 hours of sleep? I know I needed sleep but 8 hours would do, 10 was too much. So I slept late last night figuring out that my head might ache if I get too much sleep. I slept at 12. Guess what? This morning, I got up at 8AM. You’d think there’s nothing wrong with the whole scene but this was the problem — I had class at 810AM! I didn’t believe my clock in the cellphone when I read 800 as the time, I had to check the clock outside. SHIT! My seven points in MANECO1 gone due to tardiness? NOOOOO! This couldn’t be happening, it just can’t. (Btw, our teacher is giving out +7 points for everyone who doesn’t skip any of his classes and are always there on time.) I took a REAL QUICK bath and rushed off to school. Good thing the elevator in Burgundy cooperated with me for once. I was glad. I got to school on time. Well, not really on time but just in time. I was there when the teacher was checking the attendance. Thank God i wasn’t late. *phew*

STRIKE TWO
    After what happened in the first subject, I told myself that things like these shouldn’t happen again. Or at least I’d make sure to put my phone on alarm before going to bed. So after MANECO1 I accompanied one of my friends as he waited to be picked up and went home after. I decided to watch TV but oh so lucky me (sarcastically) found myself lying down in bed listening to music on my brother’s ipod as the lights and electricity went out. I eventually fell asleep, AGAIN. Oh my the horror. I dreamt of getting killed again — or maybe almost. (Why do I have the weirdest set of dreams? I must be cursed!) And so I finally got up. 1140. My class was at 1140! I didn’t eat lunch anymore and I rushed off to school AGAIN. I didn’t get there on time but I’m glad our professor doesn’t check the attendance and there’s no plus points or whatsoever that’s on the line if ever I come in late (even if I’d appreciate a but of bonus points for the relatively HARD subject).

Lesson for the day:
Sleeping is bad. I should learn to be contented with my 6 hours of sleep.
Turn on my alarm before I sleep.
Stop lying down cause eventually, lying down makes you fall asleep.

Hilarious really.

Picture this. I come home from performing at a party and I head to my computer. My brother was watching some show on his computer too. You see, this is all we do at night — use the computer.. chat maybe, play online games, whatsoever is available to do with the computer.

So as both of us were into whatever we were doing, the lights go out and so does everything else — everything powered by electricity that is. Since I was using my laptop my computer was still on while my brother’s desktop computer was temporarily dead. I started playing songs, to keep my busy.

I laid down my brother’s bed, right beside my laptop and so did my brother. We were lying down beside each other with our feet on the wall.

"What is this? Curfew?"

I laughed. Apparently, my brother’s analysis of this whole brownout experience made some sense. For the past few days, we’ve been sleeping late night because we were on the computer.

" Yes, probably. Or this is definitely a curfew. God is punishing us for sleeping late for the past few days. Maybe God wants us to sleep already."

Oh so we waited and waited and waited. Now the lights are back on. And us? Back to our own ways! lol. I love my laptop, I love the internet.

Odd really. How one tends to think to much - contemplate on life perhaps? or even I don’t know, for some reason things just come into our minds. We don’t exactly have control over these thoughts; they come unwelcomed. The least we can do is work ourselves to our limits until we get too tired — too tired to even think of anything. We fall asleep eventually. When we get up after our rest, the thought’s still there. We, in conclusion, had not yet gotten rid of these thoughts, and perhaps, never will.

Last Monday, a fellow LaSallian died in the Student Publications Office in the SPS Building. She was part of the staff of Malate, a Literary Folio of some sort. For what reason? Well, up until now, the exact reason why she died isn’t clear yet but all that came into my mind was that this person got up of bed that day, headed to school thinking that it would be the usual day that it always was. And ironically, she dies on that very day. Things are never how we expect them to be. I have to say more often than not, they are opposite of what we expect. We can only hope for things to happen — never expect.

I was thinking, if i were in the shoes of that fellow LaSallian, it would be pretty weird. What would I have felt? What would my family and friends have felt? Would life be any different? Implication of the story: Maybe I shouldn’t treat everyday like just any other usual day. Just maybe. I think about death all too many times in a day. I don’t know why. I’m just trying to figure out really, how I’m supposed to feel or I don’t know. My last words on the topic: May God bless you and may you rest in peace my fellow LaSallian.

It’s sad how one can only say too much. It’s sad how you feel all too many emotions but there are some which you can’t talk about, not because you can’t but probably because you shouldn’t. Keeping things to yourself makes you real sad and very unstable. It’s depressing how you can’t exactly express yourself, how you have to keep everything between me, myself and I and how… you get the picture, everything else.

Keeping an image.. also equally hard.. probably one reason why we can’t share anything else.

– ill continue some other time. im sleepy and might fall asleep while blogging.

yeah, I am.

I got this pain in my leg for three weeks now, i thought it was just due to some lack of stretching or maybe muscle pain whatsoever. As soon as my friend’s pain in the same area lessened, I got scared - just a bit.

Today, my jazz family told me to have my leg checked since it still isn’t well. One of them shared to me about the same thing that happened to one of her high school friends who used to dance too.

I am scared.

I hope this is not any serious case. I’m going to have myself checked during the weekend, hopefully.

Pray for me.:D

Well, here goes blogging session again. Apparently, I’m not gonna go ranting about how miserable my life is though it really was for the past few days rather I’d like to share about my experience as a Lasallian Ambassador, also known as LAmb.

Preparation for LPEP [lasallian personal effectiveness program or the Freshmen orientation] wasn’t too harsh on me since everything was planned out ahead of time (*applause for the CORE*). Despite a million of other meetings to attend to, I think I was able to accomplish whatever I had to do or whatever was assigned to me. I have to admit that the work dedicated to LAmb wasn’t as much as last year since my efforts were divided into two but nonetheless, I did my part.

Preparing included making the banderitas (which I hope the freshmen appreciated in their own little ways), making time and flow plans, and a whole lot of other things. It included enrollment residency where we would give brief reminders to the freshmen regarding LPEP. It was fun really, just slightly tiring.

LPEP College of Computer Studies
Here I was, waking up at 500 AM, rushing to school just to be able to catch our call time which was at 600 in the morning. I wasn’t assigned to any block that day so that meant that I wasn’t going to be orienting and that I was a runner for 2 days. Runner — don’t get me wrong here, we’re not people who take orders and clean up and stuff, we’re not janitors; just people who make sure that the LPEP goes well. We fix the food for the freshmen, set up the tarpaulins and label the seats in the auditorium. We  basically make sure everything goes smoothly.

It was fun really. Chatting with people while we weren’t doing anything.. sharing about almost anything, seeing that everything went smoothly. Yes, it made me happy. Congratulations to Andrew for being the Logistics head for the College of Computer Studies!

LPEP College of Business and Economics
As most of you probably know, I’m taking summer classes to avoid being uber overloaded next term. Took up ACTBAS2 cause my friend told me that if he was going to be my professor, take the subject. So I did, not knowing that summer class was hell.

Coincidence maybe, that I was assigned to orient an accounting block. I was going to orient Block 1 (BSA) together with Tan. I was also the HR head of the day so I had to make sure that I arrived at school earlier than usual and I went home later than usual. This was the so far, funnest college I’ve ever oriented [out of 4 that is]. Their energy level was fluctuating, they we’re all too silent, then they become noisy then all off a sudden they’re silent again. I loved how they were super cooperative especially during the making of the cheer part. All of them contributed and it was nice to see that there were leaders in the block.

Thank you Block 1 for giving me a very memorable experience and thanks to Tan for understanding my going in and out for classes and for the dance and for handling the class so efficiently.

LPEP College of Engineering
Third college in a row and I needed sleep. I was uber tired, I got up at 530 and rushed to the comfort room to take a bath and rush off to school. It was a good thing I got there on time 555AM to be exact - 5 minutes before call time. I’m thankful I live near school. I was to orient block EF together with Nina. We talked about how we’d go about the campus tour and stuff. Day one went well I guess, despite me being uber "lutang" and tired.

This was weird. Boogaloo is an ice breaker which always works, so at least I thought. We tried to play boogaloo to pass time while waiting for our facilitator, we failed. For some reason, the block never could understand the rules of the game, I don’t know why.. maybe not being in the right state of mind was contagious. So we stopped. [Failed attempt at an ice breaker #2] The tutubi game. We played tutubi game after we threw boogaloo to the garbage since it was ineffective. So we thought this time, this ice breaker would work, but no, it didn’t. OMG. @-) I don’t know if it was just us or.. I don’t know what to think anymore.

It was fun nevertheless. I enjoyed talking to some of them, and well as for the others, I hope I get to know them sometime else. Two days is too short to get to know everyone and too short to familiarize myself with all their names. Damn my memory.

Sorry to block EF for not being there all the time since I had other things to attend to also and thank you for cheering during the dance, I am grateful. Sorry to Nina too and lots of thanks for sharing the energy with me since I was super tired already. I’m glad she was my partner, couldn’t have had a better one.:)

**pictured attached to this blog to follow. i’m using my brother’s computer.**

I blogged yesterday and I’m blogging again today. I must feel really bad these days..

It’s 11:44 AM and I’m already pissed. I got up later than supposed to and received texts I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mind them anyway since they were just messages I could erase right? I got up and logged in to the net and started chatting. Chatting makes the boredom go away so I’m reliant on it. Guess what, it was all working fine and then my brother had to pull off the cord since his connection wasn’t working. How can someone be so selfish? Now both of our connections don’t work. And what am I supposed to do now? Wait until it comes back?

I was scheduled to go to the grocery yesterday whether or not someone would come to help me bring them home or not. I am really busy and I’m trying to make time for me to enjoy myself and go out with friends and here comes my maid telling me that my dad told her to tell me not to do the groceries, instead, i should go get them today. So I didn’t go. I thought that he would volunteer to do it and bring my brother along with him to keep him company. When he came home, I asked why he postponed it to tomorrow, he said cause there was no classes tomorrow. And what has that got to do with me? It was still my duty to get the groceries. Shit. This sucks. Wrecked my schedule for no reason? –sigh.

I was hungry when I got up so I asked our maid to cook me noodles. I noticed that there were pancakes on the table so I decided to have those for breakfast instead and told our maid not to cook noodles anymore. She cooked noodles and placed them on the table.. on my spot. My brother asked if he could have them instead. I said okay. At least my brother was there to eat the noodles I didn’t ask her to cook. Next thing you know she comes to me asking if she should cook another pack of noodles cause she opened it already, supposedly for my brother. What was I to say? No. leave it there opened? No one wanted to eat it cause lunch was served on the table already. So I said, okay, I’ll eat it. That’ll be my lunch for today. Goodbye decent lunch and hello Lucky Me noodles for lunch.

I was supposed to be going out with my orientees today. You know, walk around the mall, watch a movie.. or something. Guess where I am now? HOME. Why? Cause my dad and bro wanted to watch Spiderman and asked me to come. What was I gonna say? No I can’t cause I’m going out with my friends? Next thing I know, my dad’s gonna complain about how I’m too distant from the family and how I keep on going out with friends and he’s gonna go all KSP. I canceled on my orientees even if I promised that I’d set some time to go out with them and it was all planned out already. You see, my dad and bro, they have nothing to do for tomorrow. I, on the other hand, have a test. Everything planned out with my orientees was supposed to allot time for me to study. So it meant, going out before lunch and coming back home late afternoon probably. My dad and bro were planning to consume the whole afternoon till.. night.. maybe.. given that we were planning to watch spiderman and a whole bunch of other people want to watch that show too. I told my dad I have a test and he says we’ll watch during the weekend instead. Yes, another wasted attempt to enjoy myself and go out.

Sigh.

It’s not that I’ve gone bitter about life.. it’s just that it seems like everything has changed. I don’t know if it’s because of the life I’ve lived here in Manila, or maybe how people treat me here.. I don’t even know if I’m a better person or not as compared to me years before.

I’ve become an independent person, probably.. and maybe slightly unsociable too. It’s the people I meet and the experiences I’ve been through. Around three weeks here in Manila without my Cebu friends already suck big time for me. I have absolutely no one to go out with, my brother won’t even come with me. I don’t know why I just can’t hangout with just anyone. I opt to stay home and watch television as compared to hanging out with friends in school during breaks. I went to the mall the other day alone just to amuse myself. How great is that? I’m getting more pathetic everyday.

I was wondering if there was any sense to life aside from futile attempts to amaze myself. I don’t know why I’m living.. really, i don’t see any sense to life. I wake up everyday, go to school and immerse myself in school organizations. I don’t even know why I study. It’s submission to society’s demand of finishing a degree in order to get a decent job. Who dictates all these anyway? Maybe I’m just bitter.. bitter cause I don’t like to study but I’m forced to and I’m tired of studying.

So my mom says there’s this point in your life when you get confused.. mostly occurs when one is a teenager, am i a teenager? Maybe. I’ve got this idea stuck in my mind. An idea which probably won’t  leave me anytime soon. You know, for the longest time, I feel like I’m still a kid. I am, given that I’m under the care of my parents but for an 18 year old i probably should stop thinking that way. I feel like I’m still in high school even if it’s just 4 terms to go before i actually graduate and go to work, hopefully. Despite all the responsibilities my mom put on my back, I still think I’m that high school student who played soccer baseball, hanged out in front of the gate during dismissal and walked the halls of (a not so great) high school. Maybe I’m this way cause I’ve been deprived of actually living the life. I’ve grown up all too fast and I’ve got loads of responsibilities.

I miss my friends. I miss how I can hangout with people I trust and people who care about me. I’m glad I have my pillow to hug.. it makes up for everything that’s lacking.. well, okay maybe not totally but it does help a bit. I don’t know if it’s just me.. but I’m starting to think that some people who are well, who I think are close to me don’t really care. I hate it when it’s all about them.. makes me feel like I’m being used. Sigh.. life’s life right? Nothing I can do to change that.. or maybe, I can change my perspective on things.. but I don’t know if that’ll work.

I’m tired really. I want to take a rest from all these. I just need to hug my pillow sooo tight.

yeah, so i went to Cebu to "de-stress" myself. i left all my work and packed my stuff and hurried off to the airport. that was last Friday. Now it’s Tuesday and I’m back in manila and back to stress too i guess?

It sucks you know.. how you feel like everything is okay but really isn’t. I come home to Manila and my dad’s not well. And yes, back to my "motherly" duties again. I need to take care of my dad, make sure everything in the house is well, pay bills and well, i guess do everything my mom does except go to work and look for money.

I hate it how I’m always supposed to sacrifice for everything. It doesn’t really matter how i feel; what matters is that my brother and dad are fine with and "it" whatever it may be will be an acceptable object/event/noun whatsoever here at home. Say for example, this certain chicken coating thing my mom introduced to us. I don’t find it any tasty but my brother and dad claim it’s real good. So what if i don’t like it? We’re gonna use it anyway even if they know that i don’t really like it. But if they don’t like it, well, who cares if I do? I’m not gonna get it.

I’m being seized of my childhood too early. I want to enjoy my life, you know.. go out with friends.. talk, well i don’t party late night so i guess that isn’t much of a loss for me… uhm, go out, watch movies.. i don’t know.. stuff! it’s okay really? or maybe not. I guess i have to give back to my parents.. but this early? *sigh..

i don’t know.. got a lot of things in my mind. .. my life just sucks. sigh..

i wish ena was online.. so i’d have someone to talk to. now i have to blog to feel better.. sigh.. i wish laureen was online.. or just someone i could talk to. i just need someone.

sigh..

i feel sooooooooo bad right now.